Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
dictator is short for richard potato
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)