Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.