Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.