@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

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@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@ilyaschaeffer

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

@CouchTwit

My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@FunnyBison

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

@Robinbuble

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

@slimmy_shady

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

@Kyle_Lippert

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.