I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!
ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.