@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

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@saywhatnowthen

Days 1-4 after buying bananas: I don’t really feel like having a banana

Day 5: shit, I better eat a banana

Day 6: hello, 911, I ate 7 bananas

@ArfMeasures

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

@LostCatDog

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

@sixfootcandy

Him: I think I’m getting sick.

Me: Do you want some euthanasia?

Him: I’m pretty sure it’s called echinacea.

Me: Tomato, tomahto.

@TinyWriterLaura

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@FatherWithTwins

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?