THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me