Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face