Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
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God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
three things we don’t talk about
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.