Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

O Wise One….

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]