therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe