Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How tf did it end up there?

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Growing up was a huge mistake

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

welp

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!