Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Every time.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure