Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”