THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
oppen heimer style lol
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I can fix him.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.