therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
![]()
You Might Also Like
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.