Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

time for some seasonal decor

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.