Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Another day, another…goddammit

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.