therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
🤣
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
