Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I laughed at this way too hard.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

No flush

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Lmaoo 😂

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

anyone else like Italian cereal