Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Oops

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

The Weeknd is back

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?