therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

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LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet


I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:



Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.


If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad


Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?


I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.