therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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Stop being racist to kettles.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
S O O N
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
When they try to steal your moment.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.