LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don’t even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It’s so sweet
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.