Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

I don’t make the rules sorry