Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brilliant!

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

rip to my favourite tweet

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

I hope it’s French Onion!

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Hilarious if literal: arms race