Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Cha-ching is my safe word

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

I’m literally crying

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.