Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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she has a point
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.