Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’