Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Times

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore