Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*