Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
