Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses