Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

ㅤ

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Previously On Persistence 😎

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it