Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH