Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving