Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”