Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Best table by far

somebody come look at this

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

You know I’m something of a chef myself

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes