Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
WHY would you be happy about this?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
happy valentine’s day to me
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
