Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

🙀🙀🙀😹

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

good morning

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

No flush

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.