Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”