Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep