Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Skills

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I can’t wait!

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.