Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.