Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?