Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

This could’ve been an email.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Art by Pastelkatto

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Only short people can save us

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

No flush