Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…