therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Generation gap…
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.