Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Cashiers are always checking me out

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.