Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN