Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

never stops being funny

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

There’s always that one guy

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Probably my best painting.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer