Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
black phone good
Great Canadian literature.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Fidel Castro was alive?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
#catsoftwitter
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”