Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
wishing you and yours all the best
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet