Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Why is everyone getting married at me

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping