Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

“dress for the job you want”

“ok!”

*shows up to work naked*

“what are you doing”

“i don’t want a job”

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

the clam before the storm

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away