Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
How to woo a woman
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”