@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass

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@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

@Beamo23

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@thisislizz

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

@TweetsByTheTony

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E