Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
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[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
What the — a Luigi Board?!