Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

I enjoy a good short stor

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

“i am a sweet baby”

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send