THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
We have a winner.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.