Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.