therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
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I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog