Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

Hawk o the mornin tuah

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?