Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag