Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

when revenge coincides with naptime

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.