Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

Kids, do not try this at home!

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke