Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Does it…does it take 3 days

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob