Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
You Might Also Like
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My dress code is business-casualty.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course