Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Hello Twits.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.