I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner