Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Church Pugh’s
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns