Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.