Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
