@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

- @BoobsRadley

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@iAmJuddy

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

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Me: I love you.

@bombsydoll

in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’

@NotChuckBarkley

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

@SteveSuckington

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

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Me: lmao

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@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

@HomeWithPeanut

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@UnFitz

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.