Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Oh hi lol
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken