Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.