Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
This January has 47 Mondays
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The first matador
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?