Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty