Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.